Good TV

Anybody else catch the glaring gaffe towards the end of Sunday's Indy 500?

One of the two race analysts - either Scott Goodyear or Rusty Wallace, not sure which - was attempting to convey the pulse-pounding excitement of the final ten laps when he blurted, "this is the most exciting Daytona 500 - excuse me, Indianapolis 500 - that I've ever seen!"

Whoops. My bad. Hey, no worries. It's not like open-wheel racing suffers from an identity crisis in this country or anything.

In my previous life as host of "RPM2Night" on ESPN2, I boldly stepped into the internet fray with thoughts on the open-wheel split between the Indy Racing League and whatever the remnants of CART are calling themselves this week. Took a beating then, have no plans to repeat it now. You haven't lived until Jack Arute throws you under the bus in print. Happened to me. Courageous act on his part, too, seeing as how we worked about one hundred yards away from each other.

I will say this: the final two minutes of that race was spectacular television. Give credit to Wallace, a relative novice when it comes to TV (and Indy Car racing, for that matter), for telling it like it was when he admitted that he was pulling for Marco Andretti. I mean, honestly, who wasn't? No use pretending otherwise.

(Flipping channel)

Jeff Maggert? Is he still on tour? Saw him roll in about sixty feet of putts in three holes to put a stranglehold on the FedEx St. Jude Classic in Memphis. Another home run from a TV announcer, this time from my favorite golf guy, David Feherty, who noted after Maggert's eagle on 16: "For a while, it appeared that nobody wanted to win this tournament, but Jeff Maggert just changed all that." Or something to that effect.

It may not be "Yes, SIR!," or "Is it his time? Yes!," but it was still pretty good.

(Flipping channel)

Hey, Barry Bonds just hit number 715. Note the outpouring of emotion from his teammates, who can't decide between being afraid of him or hating his guts. Much like every baseball fan in America.

(Flipping channel)

The History Channel ran a marathon of "Band of Brothers" episodes this weekend, in conjunction with Memorial Day. Stop what you're doing, drive to the video store, and buy the DVD box set. Watch them in order. You'll thank me later.

(Flipping channel)

Jason Varitek hits a three-run shot to tie the game for the Red Sox against Toronto. Per our family custom over the last five years, I yell, "Jason Varitek! From?"

And my wife, in an exhausted tone, mumbles: "Lake Brantley."

You just have to know these things.

(Flipping channels)

Edmonton still has a hockey team? I've never set foot in that fine city, but here's my vibe on Edmonton: Working-class city. Down on its heels. Oil's dried up. Rust belt. Resents the hell out of its headline-grabbing Canadian neighbors, like Toronto, Vancouver, and Calgary - especially Calgary, that snooty provincial neighbor with all the cool bars and tourist trade. Takes great pride in the little things, like the fact that the ice surface at the Oilers' rink is considered to be the best in the NHL. Lives for hockey. Going to the Stanley Cup Finals.

I would donate bone marrow to be in Edmonton this week. One can only imagine the party. I'm always happy when an 8th-seed in anything reaches the mountaintop.

So yeah, you can guess who I'm rooting for.

(Flipping channels)

FSU spring football on "Under the Lights" on Sun Sports, followed by Florida spring football. In the pipeline: "Under the Lights" episodes on the Miami Hurricane Mystique, and George O'Leary (he of the ten million dollar contract) at UCF. Any questions as to what drives the bus around here?

(Flipping channels)

Miami-Detroit, Game Four. Dwyane Wade is one of the five best players in the NBA. Chauncey Billups is an average NBA player in a perfect situation. The fact that Billups drew serious consideration for MVP and Wade did not is one of the great mysteries of life.

Oh, and I forgot one very important entry in my previous list of Bizarro Sports World facts: a short, white Canadian is your reigning, two-time NBA Most Valuable Player.

(Flipping channels)

Golf Channel repeat of a Shell's Wonderful World of Golf match between Nick Price and Payne Stewart, played on a course in Aruba. Not much to say here, other than this: Stewart had the prettiest swing I ever saw.

(Flipping channels)

Coming this Thursday, Friday, and Saturday: "Sportsman's Adventures," starring Rick Murphy, airing on Sun Sports. This month's episode features Rick showing his TV co-host how to fish for sharks in Florida Bay. My arms ache at the mere mention. No animals were harmed in the taping of this program.

See you on TV.

Bizarro Sports World

Credit once again to Jamie, the producer, for coming up with this one.

Remember Bizzaro? Lex Luthor created him using genetic material stolen from Superman, in an attempt to counteract the powers of the Man of Steel. What turned up was a crude anti-Superman, with a body full of right angles and a dull criminal mind, the Frankenstein of the Legion of Doom. He lacked the horror vibe of Solomon Grundy and the badass-ness of the Black Manta, but Bizarro was a mean cat nonetheless, representing the dark side of all that is good and just.

Anyway, Jamie argues that since the calendar flipped to Y2K, we are all living in Bizarro Sports World. Here's his proof, with my embellishments:

-Your last five World Series champs are the Chicago White Sox (first title since 1917, not counting the one they threw in 1919), the Boston Red Sox (first title since 1918), the Florida Marlins (who have played baseball in a football stadium since entering the National League as an expansion team in 1993, and have won the Series twice), the Anaheim Angels (their only trip to the World Series, much less their only title), and the Arizona Diamondbacks (another expansion team, started play in 1998). Yankees, Dodgers, Cardinals? Not yet in this millennium.

-From 2001 through 2005, the New England Patriots won three out of five Super Bowls. In their 40-year history prior to that stretch, the Pats made three appearances total in the AFL Championship Game and/or Super Bowl, losing all three. They also recorded double-digit losses in 14 of those 40 seasons.

-The Tampa Bay Lightning, a team that began play as an NHL expansion franchise in 1992, playing first in a livestock pavilion and then in a baseball stadium, owned first by a shady Japanese consortium with possible mob ties and then by an insurance tycoon and motivational speaker, won the Stanley Cup in 2004. With an American coach. In Florida. Also, since 2000, teams based in Anaheim, Raleigh, and Dallas have reached the Stanley Cup Finals, a feat that only one team from the "Original Six" - Detroit - can match over the same span.

-The University of Florida is your reigning NCAA men's basketball champion. That really should be enough, but consider: under Billy Donovan, the Gators have made eight straight NCAA tournament appearances, and won at least 20 games in each of those eight seasons. In the 77-year history of Gator basketball prior to Billy D, Florida had five tournament trips and five 20-win seasons. Total.

-Steve Spurrier is the head football coach at the University of South Carolina, which began playing football in 1894. He won seven games there last season. Total number of times the Gamecocks have reached the 7-win plateau in 112 years of college football: 18.

-Nebraska, which never failed to win fewer than nine football games from 1969 through 2001, has gone 13-10 over the last two seasons. And they're passing the ball.

-Duke and Northwestern are embroiled in scandals involving athletes, alcohol, and sexual misconduct.

-Barry Bonds is number two all-time in career homers, and he's the single most despised player in baseball. However, Jose Canseco is a hero.

Pretty Bizarro, I must admit. Jamie also pointed out that a Vanderbilt quarterback was selected in the first round of this year's NFL draft, and the United States reached the quarterfinals of the 2002 World Cup. To his list, I would add the following:

-Jamie was right - the Patriots were pretty bad, until they got good. But not as bad as the Tampa Bay Bucs, who suffered double-digit losses in 17 of their first 20 NFL campaigns. And then won the Super Bowl after the 2002 season.

-Most regular-season wins by an NBA team since the 2000-2001 season? San Antonio, with 355. Celtics, Bulls, and Lakers not even close. Over the same span, Boston had a losing record three times, Chicago four times, Los Angeles once.

-Among your current top 20 in the official World Golf Rankings: Luke Donald, Chad Campbell, Henrik Stenson, Tim Clark, Geoff Ogilvy, and David Howell. Total number of major championships won by that group: zero. Among those ranked 50th or worse: John Daly, Justin Leonard, Rich Beem, Paul Lawrie, Nick Price, and Ben Curtis. Total number of majors won: nine.

-Of the current top 10 drivers in the NASCAR Nextel Cup standings, three are native Californians. One of the top ten is from Indiana, one is from Wisconsin, another from Washington, and yet another from Las Vegas.

-The Tampa Bay Devil Rays don't suck. As of Thursday morning, not only did the Rays have a better record than seven other Major League teams, they were also a mere two wins off the pace of the Texas Rangers, the AL West division leaders. Trouble is, the Rays play in the AL East, where they've finished last or second-to-last in each of their eight seasons.

-On Wednesday, Florida State lost an opening round game at the ACC baseball tournament for the first time in 12 years. Miami, a four-time College World Series champ, lost its ACC opener on the very same day. Florida didn't even reach the SEC postseason after going 10-20 in the conference. Total number of CWS appearances among those three programs: 44 (Miami 21, FSU 18, Florida 5).

-The University of Central Florida just signed its head football coach to a contract worth $1 million dollars a year, a figure that matches the annual salary of the head football coach at the University of South Florida.

Pardon me while my head explodes.

Can locusts and famine be far behind?

Good, In Theory

We're in something of a slow period at the Sun Sports studios.

Of course, there's Marlins and Devil Rays baseball on Sun Sports and FSN Florida, and Miami Heat pregame and postgame coverage on Sun Sports, and about four "Under The Lights" shows in production for future release, plus the year-round "Sports Talk Live" show and the nearly year-round "Chevy Florida Fishing Report." And our college football coverage will be here before you know it, at which point I will kiss my wife and children goodbye and hope to be back in time for graduation. High school graduation.

But other than that, we're in a slow period.

So it might be time for me to gather my thoughts. There. I've gathered my thoughts.

For future reference, a complete list of all the theories - be they hairbrained, or hackneyed, or even goofball - that I have laid out in this space:

The Theory of Winning

Wherein, I explain that winning, in fact, is everything.

"Guard Play Is Everything In The NCAA Tournament"

As you'll see, this is me disproving a commonly held belief. For cross-reference, see Joakim Noah and the boys of old Florida, your 2006 National Champions.

The Kobe Bryant Theory

Explains why Kobe is the one player in the NBA most likely to score 100 points in a regulation game in our lifetime. And this was before he quit on his team in Game 7 of the Suns series.

The Theory of Tall Shooters

Self-explanatory. And by the way, Rasheed Wallace is steaming into this category with every passing game.

The Big Five

What I consider to be the crowning achievement of this blog. Referenced at several other websites, and now a part of our Florida sports lexicon. Tragically, I failed to apply for the patent. Just remember where you heard it first, and remember it fondly.

The Theory of Artists and Mechanics

Again I say: I may have stolen this. I honestly do not remember. It's so good, and so deep, I have to assume that somebody else came up with it. Also referenced at several other spots on the web.

That's the canon, so far. Just thought we should get it straight.

More to come.

Not Doubting Thomas

Let's get one thing straight - Isiah Thomas was one of the best basketball players you ever saw, and one of the best ever, period.

Hall of Famer, NBA's 50 Greatest, 12-time All-Star, two-time champion. 19 points and nine assists per game in a 13-year, 979-game career. Zeke. The Babyfaced Assassin. On the court, his credentials are impeccable.

But once he stopped playing - man, did the wheels come off.

For a disturbingly entertaining read, check out Isiah's Wikipedia entry. It's not a biography, it's a reconstruction of a traffic accident. A first-hand account of a train wreck. Wikipedia is hardly a definitive resource - it's compiled and edited by its readership - but the timeline of Thomas's post-Pistons career is accurate. And embarassing.

As part owner and executive VP of the expansion Toronto Raptors, Thomas shepherded Damon Stoudamire, Marcus Camby, and Tracy McGrady into the NBA - although Glen Grunwald, the man who succeeded Thomas in Toronto, gets the credit for T-Mac. Three years into Thomas's tenure, a dispute with new management (and 179 losses) compelled Zeke to resign.

Note for draftniks: in '96, Thomas took Camby with the second overall pick, ahead of Shareef Abdur-Rahim, Ray Allen, Antoine Walker, Kobe Bryant, Peja Stojakovic, Steve Nash, Jermaine O'Neal, and Zydrunas Ilgauskas, any one of whom could have saved his job.

After a brief broadcasting stint with NBC, Thomas somehow finagled a deal to buy the entire Continental Basketball Association for the low, low price of $10 million dollars in October of 1999. It's worth noting that just six months later, Thomas had an offer from the NBA to purchase the CBA at a profit of roughly $2 million. He turned it down. Three months after that, Thomas was approached by the Indiana Pacers about their head coaching job, which compelled Thomas to make a decision - divest himself of his CBA ownership and take the gig, or continue running the league and miss the Pacer opportunity. He chose the former, placing the CBA in a blind trust. That decision paralyzed the league, which ceased operations and declared bankruptcy in February of 2001.

In short, Isiah Thomas managed to submarine a 54-year-old professional sports league in a mere 18 months. Granted, the NBA sped up the process by creating the D-League, which stole the CBA's niche as pro basketball's top minor league, but still - one man, 18 months. Impressive.

So he takes the Pacer job, replacing Larry Bird, who had coached Indiana to a .687 winning percentage over the previous three seasons, including three straight trips to the Eastern Conference Finals and one six-game loss to the Lakers in the 2000 NBA Finals. In 2001, Thomas had largely the same cast, with Reggie Miller, Jalen Rose, Al Harrington, and Travis Best joined by the newly acquired Jermaine O'Neal - hey, better late than never.

The result: 41-41, first round loss to the Sixers. Who, in Isiah's defense, would reach the NBA Finals that season.

2002: same players plus Jamaal Tinsley and Brad Miller. 42-40, first round loss to the Nets. Who, in Isiah's defense, would reach the NBA Finals that season.

2003: same players plus Ron Artest, who wasn't crazy yet. 48-34, first round loss to the Celtics. Who, in Isiah's defense, were, umm, the sixth seed, led by Antoine Walker. Hey, better late than never.

Three years under Larry Bird, the Pacers win 147 games and reach the Eastern Conference Finals at worst in all three seasons. Three years under Isiah Thomas, the Pacers win 16 fewer games and never escape the first round.

In December of 2003, having been jettisoned by a still-fuming Bird, Thomas lands the Knicks presidency. The Knicks burn through three coaches that season - Don Cheney, Herb Wiliams, and Lenny Wilkens - en route to a 39-win season and a first-round sweep at the hands of the Nets.

In the 2004-2005 season, with a full summer of Thomas's expertise behind them, the Knicks storm to a 33-win campaign, using both Wilkens and Williams as head coaches. This past season, another coach - Larry Brown - and 59 losses, tying a franchise record. All of that with a $125 million dollar payroll that included a $35 million dollar commitment to two players - Allan Houston and Anfernee Hardaway - who are either retired or semi-retired.

This summer? The Knicks have no lottery pick thanks to the Eddy Curry trade. Stefon Marbury is signed up through 2009 at an average of $20 mil per year. Steve Francis has the same amount of time left on his deal at roughly $16 million per season. And they can't play together. Jerome James has a player option that could keep him in New York until 2010 at an average of just under $6 million a year, or roughly $4,126 dollars for every point he's ever scored in his six-year NBA career.

Wow.

I come here not to bury Isiah Thomas, who is, as stated, one of the best basketball players of our lifetimes. I come here to point out that Isiah Thomas has to be one of the best interviewees in the history of business.

Think about all the tips you got from your college guidance counselor about approaching a job interview: wear something tailored and fashionable. Polish your shoes. Stand tall, shoulders back. Look your interviewer in the eye. Shake hands firmly, but avoid the death-grip. Turn every weakness into a strength. Research the company thoroughly. Don't slouch. Don't tell off-color jokes.

Seriously, has anyone mastered the art of the interview as well as Isiah? Given his list of post-basketball accomplishments - which, like the membership rolls at Augusta National, should never be committed to paper - there's no other explanation for his bewildering ability to continue to get hired for anything.

Larry Brown may be on his way out from New York, but Isiah remains, probably coaching his own mess next season. And that won't be his last job, either. In ten years, he's gone from expansion team, to league owner/commissioner, to network TV, to the Pacers, to the Knicks. I wouldn't be surprised if he's named the GM of Manchester United next spring.

Great-looking guy, sharp dresser, charming, has fascinating stories about watching the Barcelona Olympics from his couch - Isiah must flat-out KILL in an interview. That must be it.

Blogger's Rights

So Mark Cuban is out 200 large for walking onto the court during a playoff game and posting "inflammatory" comments about NBA officiating on his blog.

On the first offense: yeah, okay. Anyone who has ever attended an NBA game in person has heard the obligatory warning from the public address announcer. Something along the lines of "fans entering the court during play will be ejected and subject to arrest." In this case, Cuban's status as a team owner, as opposed to a ticket-buying fan at the AT&T Center, kept him out of the pokey, but lightened his wallet considerably.

Nobody walks onto the court during an NBA game, no matter what their job title, no matter the size of their portfolio. I get it.

On the second offense: did you read what Cuban wrote? Never mind the accuracy of his argument. I'll even ignore the questionable grammar. How can the NBA get away with this?

Nowhere on Cuban's blog does the NBA logo appear. There's a link to the Mavericks' official site, but that's the extent of the professional basketball content. In fact, Cuban spends much of his blog space discussing the latest breakthroughs in technology, pimping his own investment vehicles, and singing the praises of Dirk Nowitzki. He writes whatever comes to mind, and at the bottom of every entry, there's a line of text that reads "All contents copyright (c) 2006, Mark Cuban." Not the Mavs, not the NBA. Mark Cuban. One guy. One guy who happens to own the Dallas Mavericks, but one guy nonetheless.

Again, I ask: how can the NBA justify fining him for something he wrote on his own blog, one that has absolutely no visible connection to his NBA franchise?

I'm no attorney, but if I were Cuban - with all the money in the world and enough free time to be a pain in the ass if I so desired - I would be hiring one right now. If I were Cuban, I'd be threatening one honking lawsuit. Maybe I'm just hoping he does, because the precedent set by this NBA fine worries me.

A couple of things to understand about what it means to be an NBA team owner: you own nothing tangible. What you own is the right to field a team in the league. Your players have contracts not with you, but with the NBA itself. You merely own their "rights." You have to pay them, but technically, they work for the league. It's similar in many ways to any other "franchise" operation, be it McDonald's, Jiffy Lube, or Starbucks: as an owner-operator, you are responsible for the daily expenses of your local outlet - but you have to play by the rules laid out at corporate headquarters, or risk losing your right to profit from the company's powerful brand.

Without the benefit of a law school education, that's my guess as to how the NBA can justify punishing Cuban for what he wrote on his blog. Even though the site has no connection to the league or the NBA-granted "Mavericks" franchise, it still has Cuban's name on it, and he's the franchise's rights-holder. Thus, he's liable. Again, I lack the course work to know this for a fact, but it sounds awfully tenuous. The kind of thing one could fight, if only to make a point.

Frankly, if Bruce Bowen doesn't harass Dirk Nowitzki into an 8-for-20 in Game 1, we never hear a peep from Cuban, but he makes some valid observations. Yes, politics play a role in the NBA's assignment of officials to certain games. The league doesn't make those choices completely at random - please welcome Dick Bavetta, the Human Momentum Killer - and those officials do miss calls. Points granted.

But $200K? For walking onto the floor and publicizing the fact that NBA referee playoff assignments are based not on merit, but on seniority? Has anyone brought up the fact that NFL referees are graded via videotape on a weekly basis, and their future assignments hinge on past performance - i.e., on merit? Was Cuban that far off?

He wasn't. What he was, was Mark Cuban, the dot-com renegade who has been a spectacularly entertaining (Rod) thorn in the NBA's side over the last few years, to the tune of over $1 million dollars in fines in his first two years of Maverick ownership alone. He may be blunt, but he's telling it as he thinks it is. A personal blog, I should think, is a perfect outlet for such pontification. Better there than on the front page of the Dallas Morning News, right?

With this fine, the NBA has accomplished two goals: one, they've unwittingly legitimized the blogosphere in major professional sports. If we were all so irrelevant, as august publications like Sports Illustrated desperately want to believe, the league would have ignored Cuban's post. But they didn't.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. We won't let you down.

Second, they've thrown the fear of God into anyone with an "official" connection to the league from ever mouthing off in similar fashion, which was precisely their intent. Smart business from an entity that values its public image above all else, but worrisome for the blogging masses.

Ever see the movie "Men In Black?" In the climactic scene, Agent K hops up and down in front of the menacing alien monster, desperately trying to gain its attention by hollering, "You're nothing but a smear on the Sports page to me, you slimy, ugly, intestinal parasite! Eat me! EAT ME!"

And the bug does. Game over, right? Wrong. Once inside the gullet of the bug, K retrieves his gun and blows the thing's head off.

Mark Cuban jumped up and down and hollered, and was swept into the belly of the beast. Game over, right?

Stay tuned.

A Well-Deserved Promotion

Greatest NBA playoffs ever?

Jamie Shapiro, the senior studio producer here at Sun Sports, posed that question to me the other day via e-mail. Not that he thinks that 2006 qualifies; he was figuratively shaking his head at the incessant hype - which he cleverly termed "ESPNoise" - surrounding the first round.

Today's primer on sports television: there are three groups of fans on which TV networks keep tabs.

First are the Hardcores. They will watch basketball, or hockey, or fishing shows, no matter when those shows are on, no matter what the network. Hardcores will e-mail us asking for more or better coverage of their sport of choice, often savaging any other programming decision in the process. They are the bread and butter of a sports channel, especially one as regionally focused as Sun Sports.

Second are the Casual Fans. They may tune in, they may not. No amount of promotion will measurably change their viewing habits. You'll get a few Casual Fans drifting over to a Lightning game or a Seminole postgame, but you can't bank on them. They are, well, Casual.

Third, there is the Middle Ground. These are sports fans who fall into a desirable demographic for advertisers, spend money and time on sports, and can be swayed into watching a particular show or team on a regular basis, if only the network tries hard enough. Every sports network, be it ESPN, Sun Sports, FSN Florida, OLN, or whoever, spends the bulk of its promotional effort targeting the vast Middle Ground.

Think of television time as currency. Watch golf on CBS, or the Chevy Florida Fishing Report on Sun Sports, or TNT's playoff coverage. Note how much time is spent on promoting certain shows - and think of that time as money (because, in a roundabout way, that's exactly what it is). That currency is aimed squarely at the Middle Ground. Get enough of them to cross over, and you'll see a spike in ratings. Move that needle, and you're upping your bottom line. The Middle Ground is the reason why these 2006 NBA Playoffs are being breathlessly sold to us as "the best ever."

But are they?

Probably not. However, if I were in charge of marketing and promotion for the networks televising the 2006 NBA Playoffs, these are the storylines I would be selling:

The Dynasty

My generation has been blessed with exactly four dynasties in our North American sporting lifetimes: the Yankees ('96, '98, '99, '00), the Chicago Bulls ('91-'93, '96-'98), the Lakers ('00-'02), and the New England Patriots ('01, '03, '04). Truthfully, the Jordan Bulls are on the edge of memory for most thirtysomethings. And before the aforementioned Hardcore hockey fans start e-mailing, the last ten seasons of NHL hockey have produced five different Stanley Cup champions, so while the recent success of the Devils, Red Wings, and Avalanche is impressive, they keep interrupting each other's dynasties.

The San Antonio Spurs have won three of the last seven NBA Finals, and two of the last three. One more ring, and they officially make the jump to Dynasty. If I was producing the deciding game of the 2006 NBA Finals, and San Antonio was in position to clinch, my opening tease would be 60 seconds of celebration video from the Yanks, Lakers, and Patriots, with some powerful piece of music underneath - maybe the opening strains of "Not For You" by Pearl Jam - followed by one long close-up of Tim Duncan giving The Look.

Fade to black. Cue Kevin Harlan. I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it.

The Clippers

On the far end of the spectrum from the Spurs, there are the Clippers, whose glorious history of suckitude has been well-documented. Yet, here are the Clips, in the second round of the NBA Playoffs for the first time in franchise history. How to sell them? The "Donald Sterling Is Cheap" angle has been beaten to death, so I'll go "Elton Brand Is Better Than You Think," followed by "Yes, Sam Cassell Is Still In The League." Then, I'd throw a little Shaun Livingston at 'em, because nobody outside of Clipperland has any clue about the kid.

What I would not do, under any circumstances, is give Billy Crystal any more air time than he's already enjoyed. At this point, he's got more sideline interviews under his belt than movie credits.

The Diesel

You knew it would happen, didn't you? Okay, well, I did.

After laying eggs to the tune of 30 points, nine turnovers, and nine fouls in games four and five against Chicago, Shaquille O'Neal was due to blow up. He was Bruce Banner after a dog bite; he was Michael Douglas stuck in traffic in "Falling Down." It was coming. It was on like Donkey Kong. I even said so on Sports Talk Live last week.

Game Six: 27 points, 16 rebounds, five blocks. Nothing was more predictable.

Shaq is 34 years old. He's played nearly 35,000 minutes of regular season basketball in the last 14 years, and another 7,000 minutes in the playoffs. You'd think that the tires would be showing some wear by now, and you'd be right - but no player in the league forces more adjustments from the opposition.

Not Duncan, not Iverson, not even LeBron. Shaq.

Watch the Nets drape O'Neal with a suitcoat made of Jason Collins, Nenad Krstic, and Clifford Robinson in the second round - and watch The Diesel throw them off like James Brown tossing his cape. If O'Neal doesn't post at least one 30-15 in this series, I'll be stunned. And that's my selling point.

Detroit Rock City

Anybody else sick of the Pistons? Given the amount of love poured on Detroit by the national media, it's hard to believe that they've won exactly one NBA championship since 1990. Don't get me wrong - they're good. Really good. But considering that San Antonio has won twice in the last three years - and were one Derek Fisher prayer away from the Western Conference Finals during that off-year - shouldn't we save our slobber?

Thing is, Detroit plays team basketball, and that's a hot property right now. I submit that few, if any, of the current Pistons would be stars on any other team (see Billups, Chauncey), but in this combination, they're the best in the East, and possibly the best in the league.

Coming back to Florida for a moment - the reason why the Orlando Magic re-captured the imagination of their fan base this spring wasn't just because of 16 wins in their last 22 games. It was the way they were winning: sharing the ball, helping each other on defense, rooting for each other from the bench. They seemed to enjoy themselves, and each other. Fans eat that stuff up, and Detroit has raised it to an art form. They're the tightest team in the NBA. I'd sell the Pistons the way CBS sells "The Amazing Race." One team, one goal.

Best playoffs ever? Not yet. Not as long as the image of Dikembe Mutombo writhing in ecstasy on the court is seared into our memory. Not until we forget about The Flu Game, The Ehlo Shot, The Bryon Russell Shot, and everything else Michael Jordan did in the spring. Not until we start a conversation about Magic Playing Center or "What a steal by Bird!" at the watercooler with one of our new, young co-workers and draw nothing but a blank stare. Not...quite...yet.

But if I were in charge of promotion, I'd have plenty of places to start.

That's Entertainment

The ongoing catfight between Orlando Sentinel columnists Mike Thomas and Mike Bianchi has certainly been entertaining. It's also been educational, if we only pay attention.

As I have spelled out repeatedly in this space, Orlando is at a crossroads. Ever since Walt Disney opened his theme park on 27,400 acres of former swampland on the Osceola/Orange county line in 1971, residents of the area have been content - or perhaps compelled - to act as the world's unwitting hosts. As more theme parks, hotels, and resorts sprung from the sandy soil over the ensuing 35 years, Central Floridians were blindsided. Tourism became the 800-pound gorilla, turning a sleepy citrus-and-cattle town into one of the world's most popular destinations.

Miami had Henry Flagler and his railroad. Orlando had Walt and a five-foot mouse.

Now, after three decades of explosive growth, there's enough of a "resident" population in central Florida to make the facility debate interesting. On the surface, we're talking about a new arena for the Magic, upgrades for the Citrus Bowl, and a new performing arts center. The undercurrent is this: do the locals care enough to join the debate? Does the siren song of great weather, ample employment, and no state income tax lull Orlando-area residents into a sugar coma while disconnected hoteliers and developers rake in the cash, or will the populace demand that some of those dollars go towards an identity of its own?

With the right people making the right decisions, Orlando could be Charlotte - home to major professional sports teams playing in attractive facilities, and home to the finest cultural oppportunities available. It's worth noting that the Carolina Panthers and the Charlotte Bobcats compete for residents' discretionary dollars with the North Carolina Blumenthal Performing Arts Center, which opened in 1992 and infuses $50 million dollars into the Charlotte economy annually.

See, it CAN be done.

Not to pick on Mike Thomas, who is both an excellent writer and, like me, a native Floridian, but he's used a term in his rants that strikes me as misguided. That term is "needed."

As in, "[Orlando] might not be so willing to blow $200 million on an empty Citrus Bowl if that means short-changing a badly needed performing-arts center." (Orlando Sentinel, May 4)

Or, "So we see the fortunes of a needed performing arts center tied to a plan to spend $175 million on the Citrus Bowl." (Sentinel, April 25)

In this case, "needed" is an adjective meaning "necessary for relief or supply." Further investigation at Dictionary.com defines "necessary" as "absolutely essential; indispensible."

In other words, he views a performing arts center as absolutely essential for relief or supply. Of culture, I would assume.

My question is this: why are the performing arts - music, dance, and the like - viewed as "needed," while professional sports are not? In both cases, the performers get paid for their services, dependent upon the discretionary spending of the consumer. In both cases, years of training and dedication are required to reach the highest levels. Simply put, both are forms of entertainment. Why the gap in perception?

I have a theory, one that I'm openly stealing from Joel Glass, the Media Relations director for the Magic: held up against other forms of entertainment, pro sports are often viewed as tawdry simply because the performers are getting paid a lot of money. Never mind that Adam Sandler is making $20 million per movie - we shake our heads at $5 million a year for a backup point guard.

What if the salary structure for opera singers, first cellists, and sculptors were similar to that of pro athletes? What if the principal dancers for the Orlando Ballet, for example, were signed to six-year, $60 million dollar guaranteed contracts? Would we view "the arts" in the same way? Would you still feel that a performing arts center was "needed," or would you be demanding that the artistic director pay for the damn thing himself?

It doesn't happen that way, of course, because we live in a free market society. Consumers vote with their checkbooks. As far as I know, the Green Bay Philharmonic Orchestra doesn't have a twenty-year waiting list for season tickets. That's not a criticism of the arts - it's financial reality, as determined by the tastes and desires of the consumer.

Before anyone rolls their eyes at "another homer sports guy rant," I'll point out that two of the original founders of the Orlando Ballet in 1974, when it was known as Southern Ballet Theatre, were Kip Watson and Barbara Riggins. Brother and sister. My uncle and aunt. Most of my dad's side of the family built careers in the performing arts, from "The June Taylor Dancers" to Southern Ballet Theatre to the New York City Ballet to the Royal Danish Ballet to Disneyland Tokyo to FSU's Theatre Department and beyond. In fact, if you were to search the Orlando Sentinel archives from the early '80s, you'd find a cover story from the Calendar section entitled "The Watsons: They Dance." Seriously.

Not me, of course. I'm a TV guy. Different sort of performer.

Which brings me back to my point: the arts, and sports, are both forms of entertainment. They are not "needed," by the dictionary definition. They are desired. They enrich our quality of life, open our minds, and get us excited. They make us better for the experience. For that reason, we value them, and support them.

But because pro athletes make a lot of money - and generate a lot of money - and most performers in the "traditional arts" don't, arguing against an arena or a football stadium and in favor of a performing arts center becomes a convenient, bulletproof stance, one that can be trotted out as proof of intellect and social awareness. It's also terribly hypocritical, and the wrong argument anyway.

Just because one doesn't happen to enjoy sports is no reason to argue that sports are irrelevant. Conversely, only a lunkhead would argue against the arts. However, both are forms of entertainment - something we value in our society, for reasons outlined above - and that means making a choice. Not one against the other, as has so irresponsibly been submitted by many a critic, but all or nothing. Do we do this for ourselves, or do we remain comatose?

In the weeks and months to come, we're all going to find out what that sleepy citrus-and-cattle town chooses. I'll be watching from a front-row seat.

Red On Sundays

Dan Jenkins once said in a Golf Digest interview that during his salad days as an up-and-coming sportswriter at Sports Illustrated, he was frequently asked to urge Arnold Palmer to wear a red sweater on Sundays.

Red, you see, shows up terrifically in photographs, and since Arnie was such a magnetic and reliable winner, the SI editors wanted him in red for the inevitable cover shot. Jenkins, who would grow into one of the best sportswriters that ever lived, considered this practice "idiotic" - aware, no doubt, of the SI "cover jinx," which dates back to the 1950's.

There's a great story out there (and for all I can remember, Jenkins may have written it) about a professional golfer who held a sizable lead after three rounds at a major championship and was asked to wear red on Sunday - again, for the benefit of photographers. It might have been Palmer at the 1966 US Open, where he coughed up a seven-shot lead with nine holes to play on Sunday and lost to Billy Casper in a Monday playoff; it may have been Andy North. I can't remember, and after an embarassingly exhaustive internet search, I can't find it. Anyway, the golfer in question, whoever he was, lost. This would be much more powerful and pithy had I actually located the damn story.

In any case, wearing red on Sunday for the benefit of a still-undecided magazine cover shot is a sure way to tempt fate. Tiger Woods likes to say that he wears red (or vermillion, or coral, or whatever Nike is calling it that week) during final rounds because his mother believes it to be a color of strength; personally, I think he's facing the Golf Gods head-on. You can play it safe and appease the Gods, or you can tell them to pound sand. It's pretty obvious which side of that fence Tiger and Arnie inhabit.

On December 27th of last year, I presented my fearless predictions for 2006, having already graded myself on my fearless predictions for 2005. We're not even halfway through the year, but I feel compelled to provide an update. You'll see why in a moment.

Note that I am fully aware of the grave consequences of tempting the Gods. I do not talk to the pitcher during a no-hitter; I always let the goalie hit the ice first. Like I said, I'm wearin' red. Pound sand, you onerous Gods.

From the December 27th blog entry:

"The Orlando Magic will reach the playoffs, aided by a nose dive from Indiana, Philadelphia, and/or Washington. Miami will make it as well, but won't get past the second round. Dwight Howard will not win Most Improved Player - they'll give that to Boris Diaw, Mehmet Okur, or Gilbert Arenas - but Howard will capture the NBA rebounding title, thanks in no small part to the inevitable Marcus Camby knee or shoulder injury. Chris Paul wins Rookie of the Year in a runaway. Flip Saunders wins Coach of the Year, but the Pistons lose to San Antonio in the NBA Finals."

Ahem. The Magic missed the playoffs by a fraction, winning 16 of their final 22 games. Philadelphia tanked to the tune of a 10-16 record in March and April (and Indiana made it despite a 13-16 record over the same span). Diaw indeed won Most Improved, with Okur also receiving votes. Dwight Howard finished the regular season as the NBA's second-best rebounder, two-tenths of a board per game behind Kevin Garnett. Paul is a mortal lock for Rookie of the Year. Missed on Flip, but still like the San Antonio pick.

"Phil Mickelson and Tiger Woods each win another major this year."

Lefty at Augusta, check. On June 15th, Winged Foot will host the US Open, where Tiger has two wins and no finishes outside the top 20 over the last nine years. Stay tuned.

"In college hoops, the Florida men will become the next national media darlings, reaching the Sweet Sixteen and prompting dozens of comparisons to both their own Final Four team from 1994 and Billy Donovan's 1987 Providence Friars."

Looks like I undersold the Gators. Sure, they were 11-0 when I wrote that, but get serious. Half of those wins were against the likes of Albany, Bethune-Cookman, and Alabama State. We all undersold the Gators.

"UCF will have a down year, failing to reach their conference final, while Matt Doherty's FAU squad will sneak up on somebody - I'm looking hard at the Gardner-Webb game on January 15th."

Kirk Speraw's club went 14-15, failing to win 20 games for the first time in four years. They reached the quarterfinals in the Conference USA tournament, losing to Houston. And on January 15th, 2006, Florida Atlantic blew out Gardner-Webb, the defending Atlantic Sun Conference regular season champs, by a final of 72-51. I'll admit that I didn't see Coach Doherty doing a one-and-done in Boca.

"Watch for the FSU women to make the most noise in the postseason, skating into the NCAA tournament and shocking a favorite in the first round."

March 18, 2006: Florida State 80, Louisiana Tech 71. The only part I missed was naming the favorite - FSU was a 6-seed in the women's tournament, while Tech was an 11-seed.

A first-round win, more noise than Florida winning a national championship? No. But considering that Florida State was 5-22 the year prior to coach Sue Semrau's arrival, and considering that Louisiana Tech's program has won 899 games all-time and is one of only two schools to appear in all 25 women's NCAA basketball tournaments (Tennessee being the other) - well, that first-round win was pretty darn noisy.

"Having already disposed of the freaks from Harvard in the ECAC tournament, the Cornell hockey team will reach the Frozen Four in Milwaukee in April, where they will beat Minnesota and Boston College to claim the national championship."

This one hurts. Harvard beat the Big Red in the ECAC championship game. The Red made the NCAA tournament anyway, reaching the Midwest Regional Final before losing to Wisconsin in triple-OT. Note, however, that BC did indeed reach the Frozen Four.

It's only May, and we still have 2006's back nine to play, but I'm liking my scorecard right now. I might even spot the Gods a couple of shots.

And for the record, I'm wearin' red from here on out.