He Can Really Bring It

Every so often, my boy Brady Ackerman tries to sneak a fastball past me during our regular Friday radio chat session. This morning, he thought he finally had me. Foolish mortal.

Having finished our conversation about the upcoming debut of Tailgate Overtime on Sun Sports (Mondays, 7pm, in the old Sports Talk Live time slot), Ack tossed in a question about the upcoming FIBA World Basketball Championships. He was looking for a scouting report on one of the Slovenian players - I think it was Uros Slokar, or maybe Saso Ozbolt.

(Yes, I had to look those up on the FIBA website. For a few minutes of comedy, check out the Slovenian roster. Those aren't names, they're villains in the next Star Wars movie. I digress.)

Without missing a beat, I said, "deceptive first step, great explosiveness to the basket." You must understand - this was a setup. Ack loves the fact that as a TV guy with over fifteen years in the broadcasting business, I have a stable of utterly meaningless cliches at the ready, just in case I get stuck. Cracked him up, as it always does.

Then, he tested me: "Give me one on Brady Ackerman, tailback."

Aside: Ack lettered as a running back at Florida from 1988 through 1991. I think he scored one touchdown in three years. At least, he keeps talking about one touchdown. Joke all we want: he played major college football, and you didn't.

Anyway, I was ready: "sees the line well, smart player, never tries to do more than he can do."

Don't try this at home. I am a professional.

With the 2006 college football season quickly approaching, I spent a few minutes today compiling a list of common terms you'll be hearing ad infinitum this fall, along with translations. Clip and save, and feel free to add to the list:

"Deceptive speed" = He's slow, but he can catch. See also "possession receiver." Patron saint: Joe Jurevicius.

"Great feel for the game" = Also slow, but he knows where he's supposed to be. With luck, he won't completely screw up your offense. Patron saint: Wayne Chrebet.

"Raw athletic ability" = He runs a 4.3 and can jump out of the stadium, but he hasn't learned the playbook yet. Patron saint: too many to list.

"Great instincts" = He frequently ignores or forgets the play-call, but his "raw athletic ability" allows him to make up for it, so the coaches can't bench him. Patron saint: Deion Sanders.

"Manages the game well" = He's accurate as long as he doesn't have to throw it more than 20 yards. Patron saint: Trent Dilfer.

"Great motor" = Every opponent hates his guts. Players with "great motors" are most likely to get arrested after a bar fight, and like to psych themselves up for games by inflicting pain on themselves. Patron saint: Warren Sapp.

"High football IQ" = He might suck, but his dad was a coach and/or player. Patron saints: Anthony Dorsett, Brian Griese.

"North and South runner" = He's slow, too, but he can take a hit without fumbling. Patron saint: Gator fans, do I really have to tell you?

"Shifty" = He's really quick, but hates contact. Patron saint: Barry Sanders. Yeah, I said it.

"Lotta heart" = He's not big enough, fast enough, or good enough to be out here, but the coaches love him because he guilts the starters into practicing harder. Patron saint: Dat Nguyen.

"Scrappy" - He's not big enough, fast enough, or good enough to be out here, but the coaches love him because he's liable to pick a fight with a starter at practice. Patron saint: Scott Skiles. (Sorry, I don't have a football player for this one. Skiles once picked a fight with Shaq at a Magic practice back when the Diesel was a leggy, mean, still-pissed-off youngster. The category has just been retired.)

"Unconventional coach" = He quotes dead philosophers at practice, plays the sitar to relax, and is generally a whack job, but inexplicably wins nine games a year. Patron saint: Mike Leach.

A few more:

"Missed assignment" = The offensive lineman forgot to hold.

"Second effort" = The defensive lineman blew the tackle.

"Boisterous crowd" = They've been drinking since Wednesday.

"Glorious tradition" = They haven't won a meaningful game in twenty years, but our daddies love them.

Like I said, feel free to add more. The full list will appear on a future blog. In the meantime, don't try to do anything that you can't do.