Bizarro Sports World

Credit once again to Jamie, the producer, for coming up with this one.

Remember Bizzaro? Lex Luthor created him using genetic material stolen from Superman, in an attempt to counteract the powers of the Man of Steel. What turned up was a crude anti-Superman, with a body full of right angles and a dull criminal mind, the Frankenstein of the Legion of Doom. He lacked the horror vibe of Solomon Grundy and the badass-ness of the Black Manta, but Bizarro was a mean cat nonetheless, representing the dark side of all that is good and just.

Anyway, Jamie argues that since the calendar flipped to Y2K, we are all living in Bizarro Sports World. Here's his proof, with my embellishments:

-Your last five World Series champs are the Chicago White Sox (first title since 1917, not counting the one they threw in 1919), the Boston Red Sox (first title since 1918), the Florida Marlins (who have played baseball in a football stadium since entering the National League as an expansion team in 1993, and have won the Series twice), the Anaheim Angels (their only trip to the World Series, much less their only title), and the Arizona Diamondbacks (another expansion team, started play in 1998). Yankees, Dodgers, Cardinals? Not yet in this millennium.

-From 2001 through 2005, the New England Patriots won three out of five Super Bowls. In their 40-year history prior to that stretch, the Pats made three appearances total in the AFL Championship Game and/or Super Bowl, losing all three. They also recorded double-digit losses in 14 of those 40 seasons.

-The Tampa Bay Lightning, a team that began play as an NHL expansion franchise in 1992, playing first in a livestock pavilion and then in a baseball stadium, owned first by a shady Japanese consortium with possible mob ties and then by an insurance tycoon and motivational speaker, won the Stanley Cup in 2004. With an American coach. In Florida. Also, since 2000, teams based in Anaheim, Raleigh, and Dallas have reached the Stanley Cup Finals, a feat that only one team from the "Original Six" - Detroit - can match over the same span.

-The University of Florida is your reigning NCAA men's basketball champion. That really should be enough, but consider: under Billy Donovan, the Gators have made eight straight NCAA tournament appearances, and won at least 20 games in each of those eight seasons. In the 77-year history of Gator basketball prior to Billy D, Florida had five tournament trips and five 20-win seasons. Total.

-Steve Spurrier is the head football coach at the University of South Carolina, which began playing football in 1894. He won seven games there last season. Total number of times the Gamecocks have reached the 7-win plateau in 112 years of college football: 18.

-Nebraska, which never failed to win fewer than nine football games from 1969 through 2001, has gone 13-10 over the last two seasons. And they're passing the ball.

-Duke and Northwestern are embroiled in scandals involving athletes, alcohol, and sexual misconduct.

-Barry Bonds is number two all-time in career homers, and he's the single most despised player in baseball. However, Jose Canseco is a hero.

Pretty Bizarro, I must admit. Jamie also pointed out that a Vanderbilt quarterback was selected in the first round of this year's NFL draft, and the United States reached the quarterfinals of the 2002 World Cup. To his list, I would add the following:

-Jamie was right - the Patriots were pretty bad, until they got good. But not as bad as the Tampa Bay Bucs, who suffered double-digit losses in 17 of their first 20 NFL campaigns. And then won the Super Bowl after the 2002 season.

-Most regular-season wins by an NBA team since the 2000-2001 season? San Antonio, with 355. Celtics, Bulls, and Lakers not even close. Over the same span, Boston had a losing record three times, Chicago four times, Los Angeles once.

-Among your current top 20 in the official World Golf Rankings: Luke Donald, Chad Campbell, Henrik Stenson, Tim Clark, Geoff Ogilvy, and David Howell. Total number of major championships won by that group: zero. Among those ranked 50th or worse: John Daly, Justin Leonard, Rich Beem, Paul Lawrie, Nick Price, and Ben Curtis. Total number of majors won: nine.

-Of the current top 10 drivers in the NASCAR Nextel Cup standings, three are native Californians. One of the top ten is from Indiana, one is from Wisconsin, another from Washington, and yet another from Las Vegas.

-The Tampa Bay Devil Rays don't suck. As of Thursday morning, not only did the Rays have a better record than seven other Major League teams, they were also a mere two wins off the pace of the Texas Rangers, the AL West division leaders. Trouble is, the Rays play in the AL East, where they've finished last or second-to-last in each of their eight seasons.

-On Wednesday, Florida State lost an opening round game at the ACC baseball tournament for the first time in 12 years. Miami, a four-time College World Series champ, lost its ACC opener on the very same day. Florida didn't even reach the SEC postseason after going 10-20 in the conference. Total number of CWS appearances among those three programs: 44 (Miami 21, FSU 18, Florida 5).

-The University of Central Florida just signed its head football coach to a contract worth $1 million dollars a year, a figure that matches the annual salary of the head football coach at the University of South Florida.

Pardon me while my head explodes.

Can locusts and famine be far behind?