Getting Up And Down

Okay, so my "Tampa Bay Silver Kings" campaign is not exactly picking up steam.

Responses to my prior entry about a potential new name for the Devil Rays have been mixed. My favorite note was from Carl in Tampa, a frequent viewer/e-mail correspondent, who suggested "Tampa Bay Clippers." Carl's reasoning: "If the new owners aren't willing to shell out for players, is it just about owning a team to stroke your own ego?"

I.e., Donald Sterling and the Los Angeles Clippers. Subtle, clever, and completely cynical. Right up my alley.

As for "Silver Kings," well, when longtime friends and trusted broadcasting professionals send you notes saying something to the effect of "umm, I'm not loving it," the author probably needs to head back to the workbench.

Come on! Silver Kings! You can't call them the "Tarpons," because it's grammatically incorrect and lends itself to way too many derogatory takeoffs. "Pelicans" is weak. "Hammerheads" is too long.

Silver Kings. Silver Kings. Silver Kings. Let it breathe for a while, then come back to it.

Silver Kings. You know you love it.

* * *

For many years now, I have harbored a secret wish to become certified as a golf instructor. Seriously. I looked into it. The PGA of America has a page on its website devoted to the process of earning a PGA Professional certification. Were it not for the months of study and work experience required, the Playing Ability Test, the uncertain future, the horrendous hours, my wife, my two school-aged children, and this whole television thing, I'd be out there fixing your slice right now. Maybe.

Anyway, my first lesson to any beginner, regardless of age, athletic ability, or financial status, would be this: find one hundred golf balls, walk to the putting green, and make five-footers until you pass out. Wake up. Repeat.

Anyone watch the final round of the Masters on Sunday? Yes, they're putting on porcelain, but still - Tiger Woods needed 33 putts to navigate the National. He three-putted three times, missed two eagle putts within ten feet, and missed three chances to tie Phil Mickelson with birdie putts on the first nine holes. 33 putts, and he still shot 70.

Mickelson, on the other hand, averaged 28.5 putts per round over four days at Augusta. He needed only 29 swipes with the flatstick on Sunday, four fewer than Woods, en route to his closing 69.

Phil's margin of victory over Tiger? Three shots. Woods said afterwards that had he putted even "normally," much less extraordinarily, he would have been right there. And he's right. Of the 184 players ranked at PGATour.com, 167 of them average fewer than 30 putts per round.

Do the math. Par is 72. Each hole is designed to require two putts per green. Eighteen holes times two putts is 36 shots - half of your score.

A typical par-72 layout has four par-3 holes and four par-5 holes. Let's assume that you need the driver off the tee at each of the par-5's. That's four swings with the big club. Of the twelve par-4's, assume that two or three of them are short, or tight, or otherwise require something other than a driver. Let's say you swing the big dog on nine of those par-4's. If you're hitting driver off the tee on a par-3, you're playing the wrong tees, or the wrong course.

So, that's four driver swings on the par-5's, plus nine driver swings on the par-4's, for a grand total of thirteen swings. On a par-72 course, that means you swing the driver on 18 percent of your shots.

18 percent versus 50 percent. Which is the more important club? And yet, go to any driving range in America, and look at what the weekend warriors are doing - flailing away with the driver. There's a reason why the average player's handicap hasn't dropped in twenty years, and a reason why executives at golf equipment companies drive a new Lexus every other year. Driving it a long way is fun. Putting is boring. Again: 18 percent, versus 50 percent.

Tiger knows this, of course. As I wrote Carl earlier today, Woods is regarded as a great clutch putter, but in my mind, he's really a streaky putter. When he's on, there's nobody better in the world. When he's off, you get days like Sunday.

The two most significant changes to Phil Mickelson's practice routine prior to his breakout major victory at the 2004 Masters? He throttled back on the driver, employing a soft cut to hit more fairways, and retooled his putting routine - that "step-in" move that he uses to simulate the practice green. Hit more fairways, you hit more greens. Hit more greens, more chances to make putts. Make putts, win majors. As in three of them in the last two years, and two in a row.

Lefty has figured it out.

Find one hundred golf balls. Walk to the putting green. Make five-footers until you pass out. Wake up. Repeat.