Walk It Up

Got an e-mail the other day from my friend Jeff with the following phrase in the subject line: "Stupid, Stupid, Stupid."

How can I resist that?

Jeff, a Manhattan attorney who once played the role of The Skating Bear at Cornell hockey games (really), was referring to a South Florida Sun-Sentinel article that detailed the Florida Panthers' plans to charge a $5 "pedestrian fee" to hockey fans who don't park in BankAtlantic Center lots.

Here's the deal: the enormous Sawgrass Mills Mall, which obviously offers free parking, is literally across the street from the Panthers' home ice in Sunrise. For several years, many hockey fans who balk at the $15 BankAtlantic Center parking fee have instead parked at the mall and walked to Panthers games. Clever, no? To accomplish this, one must cross 136th Street - known as "Panther Parkway."

Off topic: if you own a Lexus, you'll never have this problem, because the BankAtlantic Center features a (free) private lot reserved for drivers of Lexus vehicles. I am utterly fascinated by this.

I checked cars.com and found a '93 Lexus with 110,000 miles selling for $4900 bucks. If I buy that puppy, it pays for itself in free parking after just 326 Panther home games. At 41 home games per year, that's a mere eight seasons of hockey. However, if I spring for the brand-new '06 SC 430, with a list price of $65,355, I'll have to watch 4,357 Panther games to cover the cost. That's 106 NHL seasons. This, to me, is at once the most intriguing and repulsive act of sales and/or marketing that I have ever encountered.

Anyway, the quotes from the Sun-Sentinel article were priceless. One Panthers season-ticket holder pointed out, correctly, that "I can still get hit by a car if I pay $5," while another season-ticket holder thought the idea was "fantastic," adding "these scammer people pay nothing."

Ahh, South Florida.

For the record, the Panther Parkway isn't exactly a bridlepath. It's a six-lane divided highway that surrounds one of the most-visited attractions in all of South Florida (again, really). Trying to cross a street anywhere in Broward County is hard enough - doing so before and after an NHL hockey game, with 17,000 potential ticket-holders scrambling for parking spots, is taking your life into your own hands. Panthers officials cited those safety concerns as a prime motivation for the fee, hoping to discourage the mall parkers. To make it more palatable, Panthers COO Michael Yormark asserts that revenue from the "pedestrian fee" will go to designated charities, not to the Panthers.

That's fine, but if I were a testy fan with money to burn - hardly a stretch in South Florida - I'd be calling my lawyer buddies to see just how many different parties I could sue here. My list would start with the Panthers, extend to Broward County, probably include the NHL, and perhaps I'd bring in Roberto Luongo just for the hell of it. Point being, I'm struggling to see what leg the Panthers plan to stand on.

So here's one solution: if you've already got a designated "Lexus Lot," why not convince another potential sponsor to foot the bill for a pedestrian flyover? You know, those fenced footbridges that allow children to cross busy roads on their way to school. Bring in a corporate partner who agrees to fund construction of such a structure and allow them to plaster their logo all over it. High-visibility advertising in front of gazillions of hockey fans and shoppers, and safe passage for the mall parkers.

Know why it will never happen? Too many cooks. Broward County owns the BankAtlantic Center, Sunrise Sports and Entertainment owns the Panthers (but runs the arena), and The Mills Corporation owns the mall. They'll all want a piece of the action. Plus, this solution makes way too much sense. No chance.

Final point from the Sun-Sentinel article: there's a quote from a restaurant VP at the Sawgrass Mills Mall lamenting the pedestrian fee, claiming that his business "ebbs and flows with the events at the arena."

The name of the dining establishment? "Cheeburger Cheeburger." The sound you hear is me pounding my head against my desk for not thinking of that first.

Cleaning out the desk, in no particular order:

--I'm going with the "pick them quickly without thinking too much" approach for my NCAA tournament brackets this year, mostly because I routinely suck at picking winners. Log on to SunSportsTV.com and play along with me in our Pick 64 contest. You can win a new TV, and more importantly, you can form leagues with your friends and start talking smack.

--A note to Tom Rados: I haven't forgotten about you. Tom is an Air Force intelligence analyst stationed in Fort Walton Beach who sent me a detailed proposal for a Division I college football playoff system. It works, too. We exchanged e-mails, I suggested that his idea might show up on Sports Talk Live one day, and then the football season ended and, well, you know how it goes. Tom, I promise you, I will find a way to do something with your plan. Stay tuned.

--Note to everybody: the third season of the Chevy Florida Fishing Report will begin on Thursday, March 23rd. And no matter what the guides say, I am a Florida native who grew up on the water and therefore NOT an idiot when it comes to fishing. That little inside joke ends right now. Murphy, I know where you live.

--Is Darko Milicic a head case, or just unhappy? As long as he keeps blocking shots, it doesn't matter.

--Before you condemn Barry Bonds, consider this: none of the substances he is accused of using - not one - was deemed illegal by Major League Baseball at the time that he allegedly used them. Does that make it right? No - but it sure makes Bud Selig's office look impotent. Just stop and think about who should be crucified here.

--On that note: someday, when I'm in an especially ornery mood, I may tell you the story of how I very nearly saved Mark McGwire's career, but was out-voted. I'm not even kidding.

That's it. Look for the season premiere of the fishing show on the 23rd of this month - and check out the new look for the studio. Way cool.